I have had the honor to meet some of our young military widows at Camp Widow this year. Many of those widows blog about their lives since their loss. Their stories are heart touching and their bravery comes through in their words. For them, I am giving away 10 subscriptions to my Moving Forward Doesn’t Mean Forgetting, 6-month program that has helped many women who have experienced personal loss move from just living, to living fully.

You can listen to the radio interview with Taryn here: http://goo.gl/qC7rC

This week on my blogtalkradio show my guest was Lynda Fishman, author of Repairing Rainbows: A True Story of Family, Tragedy, and Choices. Lynda lost her mother and two younger sisters in a tragic Air Canada plane crash when she was thirteen years old.

During the show and, having read Lynda’s book, I asked Lynda about a point in the book when her dear friend Sharon was killed in a car crash six years later. In her book, Lynda speaks of how the tragic and unexpected death of her friend tore the scabs off of her wounds and she was thrown into a state of grief once again.

This rang so clearly for me. I too had developed scars, moved on, and was strong for my children after Joe died. I had no idea at the time what grieving was. You put on the “happy face” and forge forward until…….

When we experience another loss years after, and it does not have to be another death, if we still don’t understand what grief is and how necessary it is to be in it, we process the new loss and subsequent grief as we did in the past and once again build the scar and forge on. Until, we can’t.

This is the point of questioning. What if what I’ve been told to think about loss isn’t true? What if time won’t heal my wound? What if I can’t be strong? We begin to question the beliefs we’ve held on to, what we’ve been told to think. This is when we have the opportunity to learn and grow through our grief and stop repeating the same behaviors that have not served us.

We all have heard the saying “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

I remember, as if it were yesterday, sorting through Joe’s clothes and saving many things in a big steamer trunk. We were moving so I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had a box of tissues nearby as I hugged and smelled every suit jacket and chose clothes that were Joe’s favorites.

Years later, when the kids were older, together we reopened the trunk. I was so surprised at what I had saved. Some items were silly; others were a treasure for my kids and myself. I had each choose the things they wanted. Twenty-two years later my younger son, now 24, just last week was wearing one of his fathers favorite flannel shirts, which he had tailored to fit him.

Here are some personal thoughts from others that have faced, what can be, a daunting and painful task:

You will know when it is time.

Give yourself permission to be less than perfect, to accomplish less, to slow down, to take the time to grieve.

Look at everything in 3-hour sections.

Do as much as you can in that time frame and then take a break taking a day off from it here and there.

When I stopped putting pressure on myself the anxiety stopped.

It became all about getting things crossed off my “To Do” list.

Although it was really difficult to ask for help, it was totally necessary.

Try putting as much as you can in storage until you are ready to go through it.

Don’t forget to recognize your own efforts!

Do a quick sorting. Make piles of Save, Toss, and Donate and/or Give Away.

Toss stuff each time you sort doing just a little bit at a time.

Treasure anything with your loved one’s writing on it.

There are websites where people make memory bears, memory quilts and so on from loved ones’ clothing. 

I made some decisions about my loved one’s personal belongings that I now regret, so don’t rush into anything right now.

As with grief, there is no right time to go through a loved ones belongings. It is unique to each individual and there is no right or wrong way.

What has been your experience? What helped you that could help others?

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

My heart feels so deeply for those directly impacted and the grief they will be facing. I immediately text my two children living in Brooklyn. I knew they were physically okay but, how were they emotionally, spiritually? I cried as I watched the news reports. What was I grieving? I hadn’t lost a loved one…I hadn’t lost a limb and my family was safe.

I lost what many did yesterday, it’s what is known as an intangible loss. I lost the feeling of security and safety. I lost a sense of trusting in mankind. I was grieving not knowing that my family would be safe in Penn Station or on the subway, or at a museum.

Will we be able to move freely through the city without looking over our shoulders, without jumping with fear at every loud noise, at every suspicious bag or any garbage can we pass?

I’m better today but, it will take looking at my losses more closely so I too may once again move forward in my home city and move, once again with a sense of safety.

Do you share in the grief?

Be Well,

Audrey

I can’t give my mom a reason to live, nor can I understand what her missing my dad feels like, what her pain feels like. I can only listen.

It’s so difficult to watch this woman who was strong be so lost without my dad. Maybe you too have been the daughter of a widowed mother. I switch hats most days when I visit between being the daughter as we share tears together and being the Grief Specialist wanting so much to have her do the needed work towards recovering. All in her time.

I’m taking my mom with me to Camp Widow East next week where I will be presenting. She needs tons of hugs of which, at camp, they are never ending. She needs to see others who have been on this “awful” journey finding ways or still struggling to move forward.

My mom stood by me when I was a young widow never thinking that she too would, one day, walk in those shoes. I’m taking her shopping today for new clothes to wear at Camp. I’m hoping that in some small way, this will brighten her day.

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

What exactly is coping? According to the dictionary definition it is “an adaptation to environmental stress that is based on conscious or unconscious choice and that enhances control over behavior or gives psychological comfort.” Although that may be an intellectually accurate definition, it lacks the emotional component, the feelings experienced. We should not “cope” with the death of a loved one. We need to process what is for most of us, the unimaginable.

If we continue to just cope with loss, then another loss comes, then another, for how long will those coping mechanisms work before they don’t anymore and a cavalcade of emotions overwhelm us?

How have you coped with your loss? What has worked for you? Please share your experience so that others may benefit.

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

I continue to come across ideas or questions that I would take to my dad and then remember he’s not here, physically anyway. I don’t see that sense of him being my go-to person ever changing. Now I ask the question or share an idea with the universe and wait…..

I’ve worked my program around my dad’s death, done all the apologies, forgiveness and made the unspoken emotional statements. My grief hasn’t ended of course, but it has taken a different shape. With this work, I now feel I can be more present for my mom. She, however, is not ready to do the work but I’ll keep watching and listening.

In the meantime, the universe has sent me other women who too are grieving the loss of a parent. Is that my dad at work?

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit www.WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

One of the key issues Jennifer brought up was the unpreparedness of half of her clients around money matters. With the death of a spouse, not only the loss of him, not having your life companion by your side but, the loss of so many intangibles. I know I lost the sense of security, so worry ensued! I lost the sense of freedom. I was now solely responsible for my family. My dreams were gone, and I didn’t feel safe. I was hardly astute about investments that would take me through the years of providing for my four children and providing the best.

My big mistake was not getting the financial guidance I needed. Over the years I’ve spent many a sleepless night worrying about how we were going to make it. My children were the most important part of my life so my career was an aside, it brought some income but we scraped by. My children have learned that moving a home is no big deal. We did it four times! When the money was running low, we packed up, sold the house for a profit and moved. My children are very adept at packing up, quickly!

I don’t know where you are on your widow journey but, find yourself the experts in the area of finance and lift your load, even if only a wee bit.

If you missed Jennifer, you can listen to the recording here: http://wisewidow.com/audrey-on-air/. 

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit www.WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

We, Death Café hosts from the U.S, had our first Google+ online hangout with Jon Underwood. All of the café hosts so far, have some professional experience with death, dying and bereavement.

Jon, who held his first Death Café because of his belief around the need to discuss the inevitable so as to foster living life, is astounded at the growth and popularity of the groups. He stated he never expected such a global movement.

In order to reach a greater number of people, I started a Death Café NYC Meet-up group. In the fist week as a Meet-up, I had 16 people join. I asked the question, in order to sign up, “ Why do you want to join Death Café”? Answers ranged from addressing fear about death, intriguing subject, having experienced the death of a loved one, fascinating subject, eventually I’m going to die, I want to learn more about life, I want to learn more about death, curiosity, my mortality, death is part of life, discussion with like minded people.

What I found interesting was that all but one of the sixteen who signed up appeared to be under the age of 40. Does this indicate a new generation not as afraid to speak of such an existential subject? There’s hope then!

I can’t help but believe that opening the discussion on death; it’s inevitability and many times, it’s untimely happening, can’t help in some way, the grieving of a loss. If we knew our loved ones were okay with death, (no one really wants to die) and had discussed it openly, when it did occur, do you feel that your grief experience would have been different? Leave your comment below.

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit www.WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

I recently posted in my newsletter about Saturday Night Widows, a group of six women who found each other.

I wasn’t that fortunate. My first experience with the support group was through hospice. The widows in the group were at least twice my age. None of them had any idea about my life as a single parent of four children. It also had been one month since Joe had died. Many widows in the group had more recently lost their husbands and at that time, I could not go back to the pain I had experienced one week after Joe died and relive those horrible painful feelings. Although my wound was still so fresh, there was little that this group could offer me.

I can’t say how important it is to find the right support for where you are on your grief journey. After my attempt at the only support group available to me, I then sought out individual counseling. Again, although my counselor was quite qualified, I found she truly believed in the stages of grief. I wasn’t denying (the so-called first stage) anything. Joe had died, he was gone, I needed to find a way to deal with my grief and the pain of loss.

I knew it was time to move forward, even if just a little bit, and find another way to move through my grief. Traditional therapy was not the answer for me.

After some years as a Grief Specialist, I’ve come to understand that, the way each individual grieves is definitely linked, in part, to their personality. I am a list writer and I love accomplishing tasks. I needed a system, a definitive way to see that I was indeed moving forward while grieving without forgetting Joe. It took me five years after reading every widow written book out there to find a method that, to me, made sense, The Grief Recovery Method.

When looking for support allow yourself, as difficult as it may be, to be the consumer. Shop around and don’t settle for what won’t work for you. If you or someone you know is suffering with a loss, please consider joining my next Grief Recovery session which starts May 7^th. Sign-up coming soon.

Be Well,

Audrey