Wise Widow

I’m not writing this post because my dad died last year. I remember him everyday and do not need a commercial national holiday to honor or remember him. What I do know is how difficult these special days can be for others. As with Mother’s Day, it can be difficult to witness others celebrate with their living parent. It can be like putting salt on a wound, particularly if you have children.

When my children were little we would send a helium balloon “up” to their dad with a message, or scribble, from each of them. What I will share is to make sure that, if you have young children, that their teacher is aware that their daddy has died. I won’t go into the details of my experience here.

What I will suggest is to remember and feel. Experiencing our feelings has a direct healing effect. Cry if you feel sad, laugh, joke remember the good and the not so good about your relationship and share stories with your family or friends. If you have old traditions, they may bring you comfort, if not you can always establish new ones. If this day is too painful or never mattered anyway, you can make the choice to ignore it. There is nothing wrong with saying that it’s just too painful right now. If it brings you comfort, visit your dad’s gravesite.

I would also suggest perhaps writing a letter to your dad. The letter does not need to be lengthy. Write both good and bad if you need. Apologize, forgive and write what you may not have been able to say when you were last with him.

Lastly, perhaps there is someone you can celebrate with for his or her dad. Sometimes in giving we receive back twice-fold.

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

I’ve heard both of the above statements from those who have experienced a loss. Neither situation works. I know, I’ve done both. When Joe died, I had the four children to keep me busy. I made no time for my grief. I kept very, very busy. When it did overcome me, and it did, I was like a washed out dishrag! Totally drained. Then when I had had enough of carrying around the burden of heavy grief and addressed it, my grief changed.

When more recently my dad died, having my own business and no children at home, I would sit pensive and confused. Fortunately it wasn’t long before I had that, “you better work on this” moment, and I started from the beginning of my own program.

This subject came up again when I was discussing the process of grieving with a new client. I’ve heard most often “I didn’t have enough time to grieve” based on the fact that most people have only a minimum number of days for bereavement leave. Those who are more fortunate may have some vacation or sick time available to them but, usually not. So, the opportunity to grieve is before or after work. Turn it on and turn it off. Is that even a reasonable request? Not in the least but, let me not get started on the lack of support after a loss in the workplace.

This time however the discussion centered on having too much time to grieve. It can be a a downward spiral of sadness that permeates your every cell. That’s the frightening thing. The good news is that you can help soothe your broken heart. When we lose a loved one, we lose a relationship whether it was good, bad or otherwise. We often lose companionship and the intimacy that comes with touch and conversation. Even the hug of your mom or dad no matter your age, or the once dreaded “talks” with your spouse.

How do we fill what seems like endless time? What follows may seem “simple” for someone without your experience of loss but it is neither simple nor easy when grieving. This does not discount the time you do need to grieve but, grieving should not be your life! There is a whole new world out there, when you’re ready.

I can’t emphasize enough the importance of connection. People connection, social connection. If in-person connection is not available to you, there are so many online options. In my work I choose not to have an office and work only virtually by phone or Skype. I have made wonderful connections with my clients even though most often we never meet in person. I have also connected with women who have come to be great friends.

Give your opinion on a blog post, tell me what you think on mine, get involved in a chat room, check out meetup.com and see what groups are in your area. You might be surprised at what new hobby or interest you can develop, or maybe even rekindle a love of an old interest. Best of all, find a walking or hiking group. Exercise, conversation, companionship all rolled into one. The weather is perfect, no excuses accepted!

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

This week on my blogtalkradio show my guest was Lynda Fishman, author of Repairing Rainbows: A True Story of Family, Tragedy, and Choices. Lynda lost her mother and two younger sisters in a tragic Air Canada plane crash when she was thirteen years old.

During the show and, having read Lynda’s book, I asked Lynda about a point in the book when her dear friend Sharon was killed in a car crash six years later. In her book, Lynda speaks of how the tragic and unexpected death of her friend tore the scabs off of her wounds and she was thrown into a state of grief once again.

This rang so clearly for me. I too had developed scars, moved on, and was strong for my children after Joe died. I had no idea at the time what grieving was. You put on the “happy face” and forge forward until…….

When we experience another loss years after, and it does not have to be another death, if we still don’t understand what grief is and how necessary it is to be in it, we process the new loss and subsequent grief as we did in the past and once again build the scar and forge on. Until, we can’t.

This is the point of questioning. What if what I’ve been told to think about loss isn’t true? What if time won’t heal my wound? What if I can’t be strong? We begin to question the beliefs we’ve held on to, what we’ve been told to think. This is when we have the opportunity to learn and grow through our grief and stop repeating the same behaviors that have not served us.

We all have heard the saying “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.”

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.

We faced another tragedy yesterday that once again shook our country. A tragedy that resulted in not only the senseless loss of three lives but in horrific injuries.

My heart feels so deeply for those directly impacted and the grief they will be facing. I immediately text my two children living in Brooklyn. I knew they were physically okay but, how were they emotionally, spiritually? I cried as I watched the news reports. What was I grieving? I hadn’t lost a loved one…I hadn’t lost a limb and my family was safe.

I lost what many did yesterday, it’s what is known as an intangible loss. I lost the feeling of security and safety. I lost a sense of trusting in mankind. I was grieving not knowing that my family would be safe in Penn Station or on the subway, or at a museum.

Will we be able to move freely through the city without looking over our shoulders, without jumping with fear at every loud noise, at every suspicious bag or any garbage can we pass?

I’m better today but, it will take looking at my losses more closely so I too may once again move forward in my home city and move, once again with a sense of safety.

Do you share in the grief?

Be Well,

Audrey

I know I’ve said this before but I will say it again and again. Our loss and grief “coping mechanisms” from the past become our go to survival techniques. Most often they do not serve us. There hasn’t been a client yet, when doing the work of my program, who doesn’t see the repetition of less then helpful coping mechanisms established or learned, and who has that AHA moment. Often times we don’t recognize that we are just coping. Why is that? Because we are told, with many losses in life, that loss is just a part of life. A “keep a stiff upper lip” attitude.

What exactly is coping? According to the dictionary definition it is “an adaptation to environmental stress that is based on conscious or unconscious choice and that enhances control over behavior or gives psychological comfort.” Although that may be an intellectually accurate definition, it lacks the emotional component, the feelings experienced. We should not “cope” with the death of a loved one. We need to process what is for most of us, the unimaginable.

If we continue to just cope with loss, then another loss comes, then another, for how long will those coping mechanisms work before they don’t anymore and a cavalcade of emotions overwhelm us?

How have you coped with your loss? What has worked for you? Please share your experience so that others may benefit.

Are you or someone you know grieving and struggling to recover from the death of a loved one, a divorce or loss of a career? Visit WiseWidow.com/newsletter and sign up for weekly information on grief, loss and life.